Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
