I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
