the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
