Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
her facebook's as public as her vagina
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
