He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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