i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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