I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
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