i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
