I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
