just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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