R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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