Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Randomize
