thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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