Actions speak louder than pants.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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