my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
