my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
