I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
