it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
My vagina just clenched in fear
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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