Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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