My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
