Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
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