Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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