I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
