Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
