About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
