lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Randomize
