It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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