I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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