My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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