After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
