I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
