I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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