I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
