Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
