if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
