My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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