i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
