I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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