I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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