just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
