Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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