My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Randomize
