Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
