Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
