around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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