I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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