why didn't you poke me back
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
