Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
