I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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