you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
